“Are you afraid of your own profundity?”
I sat quietly in front of my computer as the dating coach peered back at me through the screen. I searched my vocabulary for the meaning of “profundity,” coming up short after several seconds of awkward silence.
“Can you define profundity?” I asked.
“It’s like, your depth,” she replied.
I sat stunned by the accuracy of her question. Had the computer’s camera lens given her open access to my soul? Was I afraid of my own depth? Yes. Obviously.
I booked a virtual session with a dating coach after a blind date that actually went well. We clicked, and after a few promising email interactions, something inside of me froze. I started to question if I could truly be what they were looking for, naming all the reasons why dating this person wasn’t a feasible idea. I poked so many holes I convinced myself that whatever intrigue existed between us had fizzled. The self-sabotaging was clear. I could see it happening in slow motion, like a car crash, but I could do nothing to stop it. I needed a dating coach to fix me, preferably in an hour. And while I was unprepared for the question she presented, it felt like the only question I needed to answer.
For 40 years, I’ve thought my way through life. Intellect is my safe space. Still, I know relying on “thinking” alone will not allow me to live out the depth of who I am. There is a part of me I haven’t tapped into that I desperately want to get lost in. The lover in me resides in the emotional place I’ve shut behind so many walls I’m not always convinced I can still reach it. What if the walls I’ve built over time are too thick or too high, or whatever walls are are too much of?
I suppose that’s the fear – that I’m so far removed from my heart center that I won’t ever be able to tap into it. I want to experience the sensation of my deepest, loving self. But what if that reservoir of emotion is too far out of reach?
This post is part of my January “300 for 30 Challenge.” I’ve challenged myself to publish a 300-word creative nonfiction essay every day for 30 days. This exercise is part of the development of my writing practice. These are not meant to be “complete” and you’ll probably see me pick some of these back up to create longer pieces later. Thanks for reading!