After wearing glasses since the age of 9, I decided last year to get Lasik. A pro-tip from me: If you’ve been wearing glasses since the 4th grade, and you’re now considering Lasik after the age of 40, just ride it out, lest you find yourself in a year-long fight with post-Lasik dry eye.
Did you know “dry eye” is classified as a disease? At least that’s what the brochure in my Lasik surgeon’s office said. I’ve been in and out of that office for over a year. Each visit brings a dwindling hope that I’ll ever fully enjoy the experience of “seeing” again. And it all has to do with my inability to produce tears. That’s Shakespear-level irony. I’ve spent my adult life repressing tears. Now, my inability to create tear film produces the nagging, grating sensation I feel whenever my eyelids are open. A year after a surgery that was supposed to free me from glasses, I’m always wearing sunglasses or non-prescription-tinted lenses. Why? Because the post-Lasik dry eye that was supposed to last a few weeks at best and a few months at worst has turned into an 18-month epic battle against blurry vision and light sensitivity. All because I was searching for a post-40 glow-up.
I suppose I was looking for some external shift to make me feel better about aging, and I thought not wearing glasses would do the trick. Again, the irony is that, after all the trouble, glasses are a better look; not wearing them exposes the bump on the bridge of my nose and my bigger left eye compared with my right. Alas, while I did need a post-40 glow-up, it wasn’t an external one; I needed to seriously turn up my trust in myself.
I’ve heard my intuition speaking to me for a long time. I’ve felt calls and sensed pathways pulling me toward who I am and what I’m made for. But I’ve redirected myself towards more practical applications instead of trusting that I am capable of a bold life. The more I’ve tried to redirect and move away, the more the pathways have shifted to get me right back to the person I’ve always known myself to be: creative, caring, longing for justice and spiritual connection. These are the core things I wrote about in my journal at 18, and they remain the things I contemplate today. I’m the same old Courtney; there’s no getting away from myself.
I’m now working to repair my relationship with my gut, physically and emotionally, by practicing trust in my gut’s ability to take me where I need to be. The site of my shift lies deep in my belly, which might explain why I get such relief from deep belly breaths. Breathing in deeply to trust my knowing. Breathing out deeply to let go of the second-guessing. I’m embracing the process as just that – a process, a practice and an invitation to keep trusting.